Not a cretinous tirade, but another amusing passage from Scholem’s Walter Benjamin: The Story of a Friendship:
Benjamin was fond of telling a joke that circulated about Hermann Cohen, the head of the Margburg Neo-Kantian school. In Marburg even pharmacists who wished to obtain a diploma had to take an examination in philosophy, cursory though it may be. One day such an examinee was sent to Cohen, and he asked him with his characteristic intensity, “What do you know about Plato?” The candidate had never heard the name. “Can you tell me anything about the main doctrines of Spinoza?” Silence. Cohen, now in despair: “Can you tell me who the most important philospher of the 18th century was?” The pharmacist’s face brightened and he started hemming and hawing. Cohen vigorously encouraged him. Finally the candidate said, “Kaut, Mr. Privy Councillor.” Cohen is said to have burst into tears (p135).