With so many people converting to object-oriented ontology (Tim Morton “came out” as an object-oriented ontologist and our very own Jon Cogburn is summoned as the very first, but surely not last, “analytical object-oriented ontologist”), the important question now is: Have you accepted object-oriented ontology as your Lord and Savior? If you haven’t, here’s a useful list of points you can make while trying to persuade yourself and then your friends:
1) Remember that this world was created by The Great Object to be perfect and peaceful, but The Evil Correlationists destroyed it with their stupid stupid correlations.
2) You are a correlationist, because you were born correlationist. The Great Primordial Fossil wanted to exist only as experienced by the human mind, that was its downfall and now we can never know that the world is like outside of our own experiences.
3) Are you sad and lonely in your prison of correlationism? Has your career dead-ended and you need a boost of awesomeness? Do you often read books and think “How will I ever make a difference and be a really important philosopher?” Are you single? Does life get you down? Fear no more. We have good news! Instead of following false prophets you call “masters” you can now find new prophets and call them “new masters” and follow them, well, basically like old masters but now you can claim that old masters were really bad and these new masters are, well, new and shiny… Basically do everything you did before, but with more awesomeness and ice cream.
4) Object-oriented ontology is not just like any other ontology. It was born entirely out of online interactions of the marginal mavericks who were rejected by the traditional hegemonic SPEP/APA mafia. Some were forced to move out of the civilized world in order to teach their ground-breaking philosophy, some were never given a change of a tenure-tracked job and were condemned to teaching at a community college, some were cursed to get degrees in disciplines other than philosophy. But they didn’t despair and worked hard, denied themselves the worldly pleasures of friendship, marriage and television. They hoped that the day will come and the great spirit in the sky… wait, that’s from an episode of The Simpsons. Enter Graham Harman, the greatest living philosopher of our time.
5) Your only salvation is in turning away from correlationism and embracing whoever is against correlationism: [insert your favorite philosopher here, you’ll see, it works!]
6) Doesn’t it sounds like a good idea to reject what many people say you must reject? Don’t you want to join a large group-think? Don’t ask stupid questions, don’t use that tone with us, believe and you will be saved!
7) Repeat after me: “Kant was a real jerk, he ruined it all for us, his books must only be read superficially and without real understanding!” – “Contemporary philosophy is stale, boring, hegemonic, unoriginal, oppressive, and correlationist, did I mention correlationist? – “Graham Harman is the most original philosopher since Plato and will show us the way to the philosophical salvation” – “Long live objects and their awesome timbre”…
Seven seems like a good number, doesn’t it? A coloring book/brochure to follow.